I wanted to share my adoption story to take some of the fear and anxiety out of adoption. I hope this will be helpful to you if you are considering an adoption.
Nine months after we were approved for adoption the phone rang. Holy Family had a birth mother they wanted us to meet. I was so stunned that this had finally happened that it took me a moment before turning to my husband and saying, “I think a birth mother wants to meet us.”
We had come to the decision to adopt after a couple of years of profound change, treatment for breast cancer, a move from NYC to Los Angeles, miscarriages and fertility treatments. Because of cancer and my age, we knew pregnancy was a long shot and we were always open to the idea of adoption even though we did try fertility treatments first.
A lot goes through your head when making this decision. There is excitement about the future and all your hopes and dreams for this beautiful child. There is fear of the unknowable – what will my child be like? How will I know if the birth mother took care of herself? Will nature or nurture be win out? Will they look like me, have similar interests, will I love them as much as a biological child?
Our agency, Holy Family did a good job of lessening the anxiety that comes with adoption. We had a great social worker that made us feel supported and the workshops were informative, making us feel more comfortable with our decision. My favorite workshop had a white family that had adopted a black child who was now a teenager. They seemed happy and bonded and had an ease to them when they spoke about their experience as an inter-racial adoptive family. We felt well prepared when we were matched with our first and only birthmother and it was a perfect match. We had put together a book of photos of our family and written a letter to our future birth mother to give her a sense of who we were and what we stood for. As a result, our birth mother’s family had a lot of similarities and interests to us, we even looked very similar which we hadn’t been expecting. Our birthmother was in her 8th month. We found out that Holy Family likes to wait until the 8th month to match families with mothers. This is because the birthmothers are more sure of their decision and less likely to change their mind.
When we met the birth parents, they were only 20 years old, too young to raise a family and not a solid couple. Our birthmother brought her mother to meet us as well, and they instantly felt familiar. We had a lot in common and talked easily. A week later we were invited to lunch with our birthmother and grandmother. They surprised us and asked us to come along to the pregnancy check-up our birthmother had scheduled. It was really exciting; we even heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and saw him on the sonogram. We were so touched by her generosity in including us.
Two weeks before his due date, we got a call from the grandparents saying that our birthmother was in labor and would we like to come to the hospital. We were both thrilled and terrified at the same time! We hung out at the hospital with her family until a nurse came in and said it wouldn’t happen until the morning. We arrived back early the next day and began the wait. Around 9:30 am, we were asked to leave the delivery room and sat in the hallway with our birthmother’s sister listening to the sounds of babies being born. All the sudden, I heard a cry and just knew that was our baby! A few minutes later the door opened, and we were invited into the room. The nurse put him in my arms and that was it, I was in love.
The next two days were a rollercoaster of emotion. The birthmother has 48 hours to change her mind, and we were terrified she would. The day he was born, the nurse told us to come back at five so that I could give him his first feeding. When we arrived back, we were told the birth mother was breast feeding him. A shiver went through me. We had heard the horror stories of adoptions falling through at the last minute and I called my mother in tears saying, “I know she’ll bond with him and not want to give him up!”. Fortunately, this was not the case, as I soon found out. We had agreed to an open adoption and met with the birth mother and grandmother to talk about what our open adoption would look like. It was a very sweet conversation where she talked about the childhood, she knew we could give him. We agreed to invite her to his school graduations and plays and sports events, let her know he would be at her wedding one day (which he was).
We were on a high after our talk with our birthmother when our birthfather arrived, having ridden his bike from Sherman Oaks to Burbank. He was very determined to let us know that he would be signing the papers and… he wanted to let us know that the couple had met in rehab, and both had a history of addiction. This was a bit of a shock as the birth family who were well educated and well off had presented a very different picture. I was and still am grateful that he wanted us to know the truth. It didn’t change our decision; We had already fallen in love with our boy and there was no turning back. What it did change was how our social worker handled the situation. She was able to get DCFS resources for our son in case there were any complications later. Thankfully, there never were.
When we finally left the hospital, our birthmother, her family and our birthfather met us in the lobby, and all gathered around while she placed our son in my arms herself. I will never forget that moment. She was so brave, and we could feel her trust in us.
Our birthmother went on to have another son two years later that was raised by her mother. Although we met a few times with our birthmother and attended her wedding, our primary contact was her mother and our son’s half-brother. We met at parks, or the kids plays, sports. We even belonged to the same pool one summer! He still has a close relationship to them. Our birthmother’s sister went on to have six children and our son goes to visit her family as well. He loves knowing he has a large extended family. Knowing them has taken the mystery away for him about his origins. He looks so much like us that people don’t believe he was adopted, but I can’t imagine having kept his adoption a secret from him. We learned that there is enough love to go around and how great for him to have two families that love him.
Although it’s been a positive experience, open adoption can be complicated. Our son feels so much like a part of us, that witnessing the physical similarities, even mannerisms when he is with his birth family, could feel like a confronting reminder that he is ours but also of them. Little things like seeing ketchup being put on eggs at a shared meal made us wonder “is that where he gets that from?”. Nature vs. Nurture is always a question mark.
We just dropped our son off at college where he is majoring in business economics. I can’t believe how quickly his childhood went! My husband is a photographer/writer, and I am a psychotherapist working in Echo Park. Because of our life changing experience, I love working with couples navigating the adoption process. It’s a difficult choice to make and having an open adoption can bring up a lot of feelings. I’m so happy Holy Family helped us through every stage of our adoption. They did an amazing job and were so helpful, we are forever grateful.
